


will fight anyone, anywhere, anytime

by Chash



Series: filthverse [2]
Category: Actor RPF, Hamilton - Miranda, Twilight RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:13:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5565127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chash/pseuds/Chash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jen and Rob make friends on opposite sides of the Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson divide. If they cared enough to get involved in interpersonal arguments, it might be a problem for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	will fight anyone, anywhere, anytime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carotid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carotid/gifts).



> A holiday prompt fill for my good friend Alyssa. Tagging this was a magical adventure, let me tell you.

It's basically like Romeo and Juliet, but with weed.

"I made a new friend," Rob says.

"Huh," says Jen. "Me too. That's weird."

"Probably a sign of the apocalypse," he agrees, and adds it to the list, below  _that time Jen remembered to buy toothpaste_  and _both of us are somehow in relationships_.

“He bought pot from me and ranted about MTV’s Cribs for longer than I knew was possible,” Rob continues. “What about yours?”

“He told me to call him AHam, which reminded me of you,” she says. “I assume that was why I felt positively disposed to him.”

“Is it a rap name?” Rob asks. He’s managed to record several more songs as RPattz, if they can really be called “songs.” Jen has heard mating cats with more rhythm and coherence.

“It is. And he’s better at it than you are.”

“Do you think he wants to collaborate?” Rob asks. “That’s a thing, right?”

“You’re the rap star, you tell me.”

“It’s slam poetry.”

“It’s not. I’m not saying it’s rap either,” she clarifies quickly. “It’s definitely not rap. We don’t know what it is.”

“Amazing,” says Rob. “It is amazing. I am a visionary.”

“Probably, yes.” It’s just not a _good_  vision. It’s one of those visions of death and destruction. He’s the kind of musical visionary who foresees volcanoes erupting and the seas rising up to drown civilizations. “What about yours? Does he have a name?”

“Thomas,” he says. “But he told me to call him T-Dawg. Not as a rap name, just a personal preference.”

“Huh,” says Jen. “Do you think I need a weird nickname? JLaw?”

“People would just confuse you with Jude Law, probably.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

*

The first time Jen brings Alex (she cannot, in a sustained sense, call him AHam, and he seems fine with it) to Starbucks, it turns out he already knows Jesse, from college, where they collaborated on a series of plays about post-colonial politics, and has some sort of longstanding feud with the new barista, who goes by Burr and is a surprisingly big asshole for someone who never seems to have any concrete opinions on anything. Jen sort of assumed someone who was aggressively nonconfrontational wouldn’t be so, well, easy to fight with.

“He’s the worst,” says Alex’s friend Lafayette.

“The woooooooorst,” agrees Hercules Mulligan, in a Jean-Raphio voice. Jen would call him by some sort of nickname, except his name is _Hercules Mulligan_ , and it would be a crime to shorten that in any way.

“How do you know him?” Jen asks.

“We all went to college together,” says John. He may or may not be Alex’s boyfriend; Jen tries not to make too many assumptions about these things. They can do what they want.

“Burr and Alex were rivals,” Hercules Mulligan adds.

“No, we weren’t,” says Alex. “Rivals require some kind of conflicting ideals. Burr is just--Burr.”

“The woooooorst,” say Lafayette and Hercules Mulligan, in harmony.

Jen is inclined to agree, but before she can respond, Rob comes in, followed by a guy with truly fabulous hair and another guy with none at all. He waves, and Jen waves back, but the rest of her crew are on high-alert.

“There’s Alex’s rival,” says John.

“Rob?” asks Jen, in horror. Rob cannot possibly have a rival. Rob can barely maintain vertical integrity most days.

“ _Jefferson_ ,” says Alex, getting to his feet.

“ _Hamilton_ ,” says the great-hair guy. Jen is honestly expecting them to start snapping at each other, West-Side-Story style.

“Are we going to witness a rap battle?” Rob asks. He’s extracted himself from Jefferson and the other guy to get over to her side instead. Kristen and Jesse are watching from behind the counter with interest; Burr is still cleaning the espresso machine. “I’ve always wanted to witness a rap battle.”

“As long as you don’t try to get involved. It’s like a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.”

“I am _an artist_ ,” Rob protests, even though they both know he is not.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asks.

“It’s a free country,” says Jefferson.

“I guess your new friend hates my new friend,” Jen tells Rob.

“That sees fair,” Rob says. “My new friend is kind of a dick.”

“Yeah, mine too.”

“We do have a type,” Jen admits.

“You must be out of your GODDAMN MIND--” Alex shouts, and Jen is not entirely clear on who throws the first projectile--a box of cookies--but it does not take long for things to devolve into utter chaos.

Rob tries to shield Kristen’s body with his, which ends with him falling over the counter and half-concussing himself. Rob has never met a fight that he can’t get injured in, including fights where he is in no way involved.

“Does this happen a lot?” Jen asks Alex after. Jefferson has bought everyone a round of coffee, and Hercules Mulligan and Jefferson’s friend, Madison, are playing a card game on his phone. Jen doesn’t really know what’s happening, but what else is new?

“This is pretty normal for us,” says Lafayette.

“Us too,” says Jen, watching Kristen check Rob’s vision after his head injury. “No wonder we get along.”

*

It becomes a point of non-contention between Jen and Rob, because all it really means is that Jen hangs out with AHam and his crew and Rob hangs out with Jefferson and his crew, and they don’t ever meet up as a group for fear of a fight breaking out. Which is pretty standard, honestly. They have a list of _Things We Can’t Do Because a Fight Might Break Out_  right next to their _Signs of the Apocalypse_  list. 

They’re surprisingly good at lists; Nick is always surprised that Rob is actually literate.

Then, there’s another open mic night.

Open mic night happens somewhat regularly--not every week, because Kristen and Jesse are not capable of that level of organization, but at least every month--but AHam doesn’t come to it for a while. It hadn’t bothered Jen; she figured he had other shit to do.

But then he shows up, at last, and calls out basically everyone he has ever met outside of his immediate crew, and many people she assumes he hasn’t met, and the next thing she knows, Burr has challenged him to an actual duel.

“Who does that?” asks Nick.

“I’ve been in like five duels,” Jen says.

“Really?”

“Drama people have prop swords and love alcohol,” she says. 

“Fair enough.”

“Can you be my second?” Alex asks her. “Everyone else is too drunk.”

“How am I the most sober person?” Jen asks. It’s a real personal failing. “What are you dueling with?”

“We’re just going to slap each other, I’m pretty sure,” Alex admits. “We usually just slap each other.”

Jen considers this. “Do I just start slapping him if you can’t slap him anymore?”

“Basically.”

She considers again, and then nods. “This is exactly the level of friendship I am looking for,” she tells him, and he high-fives her.

And there, in the dark behind Starbucks, getting high with Rob, Nick, and Thomas Jefferson while two adult men slap each other, Jen feels, not for the first time, that she has the weirdest fucking life.

But, like, in a good way.


End file.
